The Horror of It All Read online

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  Contents

  EPIGRAPH

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER ONE: Crawling to Babylon

  CHAPTER TWO: Slasherama

  CHAPTER THREE: Horror High

  CHAPTER FOUR: Terror on Tape, or How I Turned Down a Hand Job for Ninety Minutes of Bloodthirsty Mutants, Killer Kids, Homicidal Hillbillies, Demonic Priests, and Eurotrash

  CHAPTER FIVE: Sounds of the Devil

  CHAPTER SIX: Making Steak from Sacred Cows

  CHAPTER SEVEN: Reality Bites

  CHAPTER EIGHT: Friends in Low Places

  CHAPTER NINE: Postmodern Blues

  CHAPTER TEN: A Decade That Dripped Blood

  PHOTOGRAPHS

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT ADAM ROCKOFF

  For Grandma Gladys, who bought me my first Fangoria.

  And who is stronger than any Final Girl.

  “It used to be drink, smoking and drugs. Then there was a fourth thing, porn, and now there’s a fifth, horror.”

  —DETECTIVE SUPERINTENDENT PETER KRUGER, HEAD OF SCOTLAND YARD’S OBSCENE PUBLICATIONS SQUAD

  Prologue

  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . .

  Those immortal words were almost certainly not written to anticipate the horror boom in the early years of the twenty-first century. And yet they most surely apply.

  It was the best of times because interest in horror movies, and all the accompanying cultural detritus, is at an all-time high.

  I just got back from Barnes & Noble, as good a barometer as any for measuring the zeitgeist. On this day, the magazine rack was stocked with no fewer than eleven titles devoted exclusively to horror and exploitation films. Eleven! And lest anyone think I’m exaggerating for effect, here they are: Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Scary Monsters Magazine, Diabolique, HorrorHound, Famous Monsters of Filmland, Shadowland Magazine, Filmfax, VideoScope, Video Watchdog, and The Walking Dead: The Official Magazine. There were exactly zero magazines dedicated to Westerns. None for comedies either. Zilch for family films, dramas, and musicals. While there were also a handful of general entertainment periodicals, those publications included horror, too, whenever it hit the mainstream.

  The 2011 Best Picture Oscar winner, The Artist, grossed a total of $44 million. That same year, in just its opening weekend, the third installment of the Paranormal Activity series grossed $52 million. This is just one example, but it’s indicative of what a commercial juggernaut horror has become.

  If the genre is as healthy as it’s ever been, how can it possibly also be the worst of times? Well, because as incredible as this might seem, the golden age of horror journalism—which I would argue we’re in—has a downside: it seems as if everything worth writing has already been written.

  I love the Friday the 13th series as much as anyone, but after Peter M. Bracke’s exhaustive fully illustrated oral history, Crystal Lake Memories, as well as both Daniel Farrands’s accompanying documentary adaptation and his earlier film His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th, there’s absolutely nothing to add to the legacy of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked maniac. We now have a handful of books I could legitimately describe as the definitive work on Dario Argento, and with Mario Bava: All the Colors of the Dark and Beyond Terror: The Films of Lucio Fulci, Tim Lucas and Stephen Thrower respectively have provided the final word on these Italian titans. I can’t imagine anyone writing about the grindhouse and trash cinema more lovingly than Bill Landis and Michelle Clifford. And if a Peter Biskind–esque look at horror cinema’s most famous feuds and faces is your thing, you probably can’t do better than Jason Zinoman’s Shock Value: How a Few Eccentric Outsiders Gave Us Nightmares, Conquered Hollywood, and Invented Modern Horror or David Konow’s Reel Terror: The Scary, Bloody, Gory, Hundred-Year History of Classic Horror Films. I could go on and on, and on and on.

  So what’s the problem with this embarrassment of riches? Twenty years ago, when I was digging around the back of a moth-infested used-book store for a battered copy of John McCarty’s Splatter Movies: Breaking the Last Taboo of the Screen, I could never have dreamed that some Monday I would be able to order the biography of Peter Cushing, a history of horror fanzines, and a beautiful full-color coffee table book showcasing Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett’s unparalleled horror memorabilia collection, only to have all of them arrive at my front door on Tuesday morning.

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was only a problem for me. It had been over a decade since my first book, Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film, came out, and I had been itching to write a follow-up. But about what?

  Then it hit me. I was in the bathroom reading Fargo Rock City for the umpteenth time—both on the toilet and in general. I know I sound like some hack comedian, but every single good idea I’ve ever had has come to me either in the shower or while emptying my bowels. For those of you who don’t know, Fargo Rock City is Chuck Klosterman’s memoir about growing up as a heavy metal fan in rural North Dakota. On the surface, it’s both a history and critical analysis of hair metal, but filtered through Klosterman’s personal experiences it becomes something much more profound.

  What if I could do the same thing with horror movies? To my knowledge, this had never been done. Kier-La Janisse’s masterful House of Psychotic Women comes close. But two things gave me reason to believe there might be room for another voice. One, and most obvious, Janisse is a woman. We may like to pretend that gender has no effect on how we process art and culture, but that’s a lie, and everyone knows it. Plus, her hardscrabble life was markedly different from my own uneventful suburban upbringing. Two, and this is equally apparent just from her book’s subtitle—An Autobiographical Topography of Female Neurosis in Horror and Exploitation Films—Janisse is a far better writer than I’ll ever be.

  This isn’t false modesty. Unfortunately, I have plenty of examples to support this claim. The first testimonial (the very first one) on the back cover of Going to Pieces states: “Rockoff is no blood-in-his-eye moron.” Have you ever heard such effusive praise? I might not be the smartest guy in the room. Or the most eloquent. But hey, at least I’m no moron! I might as well be the thinnest guy at fat camp. Then there’s the fact that a signed copy of my book is selling on eBay for less money than a brand-new one. So I have the dubious distinction of being one of the lucky authors whose signature actually devalues the work. This reminds me of a hot dog stand near my hometown where a buttered roll actually cost less than a plain roll. As adventurous as my friends and I were, we never dared sample that “butter.”

  So why waste your hard-earned money on this book? As a close friend of mine recently asked, “Who the hell wants to read about your experiences? Why is that interesting to anybody except for you?” I realized two things. One, I need some new friends. But two, my experiences, while unique to me, are really nothing more than a window to your own. A mirror to reflect back those memories that may have been forgotten, misplaced, or shelved away in the furthest recesses of your mind. Part of the subtitle of this book is One Moviegoer’s Love Affair. That’s both true and misleading.

  I distinctly remember the first time I ever saw the 1978 film Class Reunion Massacre. On some level, I understood that hundreds of people were responsible for its conception, production, and release; thousands more had eventually seen it in theaters or on home video. But the film itself was so weird, and my
experience of watching it so personal, that at the time I couldn’t imagine anyone else even being aware of its existence.

  Once I started discussing horror films with like-minded fans, I soon learned that many people were indeed aware of Class Reunion Massacre. One or two had even seen it in some shitty theater under its original title, The Redeemer: Son of Satan!

  Then it became crystal clear. Although I can only write about my own experiences, I can draw on the collective consciousness of horror fandom. And this is why you might like this book. Because my memories are yours.

  I’m almost forty now, no longer the target demographic for horror movies. And yet I love them more than ever. Lots of my friends do too.

  As someone who came of age during the slasher boom in the early eighties, I’ve seen the genre rise, and fall, and rise again. Since then, horror films have undergone more transformations than even Dr. Moreau could fathom. Scream ushered in an era of snarky, self-conscious, postmodern horror. The Blair Witch Project obliterated the studio model and proved that any bozo with a camcorder could make a scary movie, while superior documentary-style films such as The Last Exorcism, The Devil Inside, and the Paranormal Activity series proved to be not the exception but the rule. The term “torture porn” was coined to describe the uncompromising films of Eli Roth and Rob Zombie, giving media pundits a perfect sobriquet for the objects of their derision. Films released barely twenty years earlier were remade or “reimagined” in droves, including each of the holy trinity of slasherdom: Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Vampires were sexy, then gritty, then sexy again. And, eventually, zombies were freakin’ everywhere.

  The time is once again ripe to ask the question: why do horror films continue to not only endure but prosper? It’s a question that will be answered not by the cultural arbiters—forever frustrated by their inability to explain the allure of horror—but by someone on the front lines.

  Because to really understand the modern horror film, you have to live it. You have to embrace the outré, dive headfirst into the rabbit hole with eyes wide open (or shut), and not be afraid to slay the sacred cows.

  And for those of us who do, it’s a helluva ride.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Crawling to Babylon

  In second grade, there’s nothing I would have liked more than to have seen my teacher, Mrs. Glassman, meet her demise at the business end of Jason Voorhees’s machete. I don’t mean this euphemistically. I really would have loved to come to school one day, only to learn that she had been hacked to death by a madman.

  After all, she deserved it.

  An adorable little girl named Erica Steinberg sat next to me in class. She was sweet with a wonderful sense of humor, which meant she laughed at my painfully unfunny juvenile jokes. She was also pathologically shy and terrified of speaking in class. I’m certain the thought of being called on filled her days with dread. Mrs. Glassman picked up on this vulnerability almost immediately. But instead of gently leading Erica out of her shell, empathically encouraging her to find her voice, Mrs. Glassman badgered her incessantly, demanding she speak up and contribute.

  Believe me, this wasn’t a calculated strategy to show Erica there was nothing to be afraid of. It wasn’t like the time I scooped up my nervous son and slid with him down the waterslide, knowing full well that if he did it once he’d want to do it fifty million more times. This wasn’t even an old-school teacher demonstrating tough love. This was cruelty, plain and simple.

  Then there was Don Ross. Today, he would no doubt be diagnosed with a variety of syndromes and conditions and monitored round-the-clock by a group of specialists. But back in 1982, he was just considered rambunctious. One day Don was trying desperately to explain something to Mrs. Glassman—just get out a single thought—and she kept cutting him off. Naturally, this made him more and more frustrated. And for a kid who is already high-strung, frustration is like rocket fuel.

  Instead of giving Don some time to cool off, Mrs. Glassman threatened him with detention. When he wouldn’t stop protesting, she said, “That’s one day.” This only made him angrier, even more determined to be heard. But she just ignored him, as if he wasn’t even there. And with an evil smile, she continued adding days to his sentence. “That’s two . . . that’s three . . . that’s four . . .” A few years later, an almost identical scene would be played out in The Breakfast Club. The only difference is that John Bender was a legitimate juvenile delinquent who pulled false fire alarms and hid his dope in Brian Johnson’s underwear. Don Ross was a good kid with emotional problems.

  Who knows on what number Mrs. Glassman eventually stopped. Or if cooler heads eventually prevailed and the excessive punishment was reduced. It’s irrelevant. What matters is that Mrs. Glassman saw a child who was in desperate need of help. Of guidance. Of consolation. And her first instinct was to hurt him.

  Now, are the above two stories the absolute worst things that could ever happen to a child? Of course not. I mean, for crissakes, in nineteen states in the union teachers are still allowed to hit their students.I For real! We spend billions on education reform yet give teachers the right to beat the shit out of the kids in their care. But there are fewer trusts more sacred (at least in the other thirty-one more enlightened states) than that between a teacher and an impressionable student. And Mrs. Glassman obliterated that.

  Since I displayed no obvious weakness—although, if my report card is any indication, I was a pretty obnoxious chatterbox—I never personally felt her wrath. That is, until the class was given a writing assignment in which we had to describe what we enjoyed doing when we weren’t in school.

  My essay wasn’t so much a description of my favorite pastimes as it was a laundry list of about two dozen horror films. I had seen maybe one or two of them, such as Jaws and Dracula; the rest were titles from the cable guide that seemed especially enticing. Logical choices such as Terror Train, Friday the 13th, Visiting Hours, Happy Birthday to Me, and Night School were interspersed with some puzzling selections like The Octagon, Fighting Back, and something called Fire at the Grove, which I have to assume is a long-lost TV movie since I can’t find a single reference to it anywhere.

  I ended the essay by adding, “I like to go and visit the zoo too.”

  If I had never seen the majority of these films, what then compelled me to list them? And why did I claim that this was how I liked to spend my free time?

  It all began with The Elephant Man.

  I was six years old when I saw the visage of Joseph Carey Merrick, although since it was in the movie, it was actually the face of John Hurt brilliantly transformed by Christopher Tucker’s revolutionary makeup. That was the first time I can actually remember being terrified. Since I was an extraordinarily sensitive child—as demonstrated by my precise recollection of Mrs. Glassman’s offenses—I was even more disturbed by the indignities inflicted upon Merrick by the miscreants of Victorian London than I was by the man’s actual deformities.

  Nature’s malice I could accept; that of my fellow man was infinitely more upsetting.

  Even before The Elephant Man, I knew that the world could be a dark and fearsome place. This revelation came from an unlikely source. Most people are familiar with the elephant Babar as either the main character in a series of classic children’s books or as the punch line in one of the funniest scenes from Fletch. But to me, he was an unwitting guide into life’s ugliness. There’s a page in Babar the King where a herd of winged elephants representing positive values, such as Courage, Kindness, Intelligence, and Hope, chase away their malevolent doppelgängers Cowardice, Anger, Stupidity, and Despair. The leader of the baddies is Misfortune, a sickly old woman riding some crazy-looking horned giraffe-like thing. Her minions look no less disturbing: Spinelessness is a humanoid gremlin while Sickness is a dachshund blowing smoke from its elongated snout.

  Eventually, my mother had to hide the book. When she asked me why I was so frightened of these specific illustrations, from a children’s book no les
s, I couldn’t articulate it. But I knew. It was as clear as day. Abstract concepts had been given a face—albeit a crudely drawn one—which was more than enough for my preadolescent brain to process as a tangible threat. I might not have known what “discouragement” meant, but now that I could see it in the form of a porcine monster, I was absolutely convinced that it was coming straight for me.

  So what did I do? I did what any kid would do—I slept in my parents’ bedroom far more often than I’d like to admit. Ironically, it was there, ensconced in the safety of goose down, that one morning I witnessed something that made the benign terrors of Babar pale by comparison. It was an antismoking public service announcement, and its final image is forever seared into my memory.

  The entire PSA was comprised of a single shot of a woman holding up a black-and-white photograph in front of her face. The subject in the photo is attractive, or at least pleasant-looking in a fifties-housewife kind of way. She begins telling a story about how her husband fell asleep while smoking in bed, presumably with her in it. A fire ensued and her husband perished in the blaze. The entire time, the camera moves closer and closer to the photograph until the woman says, “I guess you could say, I was the lucky one.” She then lowers the photo. Holy fucking shit. Suddenly the Elephant Man was Cary Grant. I had never seen anything so profoundly disturbing. The woman had been burned beyond recognition. Her face, or what was left of it, was nothing more than a mass of melted flesh, strips of scar tissue crisscrossing each other at unnatural angles. Mercifully, the image was only on TV for a few seconds before cutting away to whatever Saturday morning cartoon followed it. From then on, the moment I saw the first frame of that commercial, I would dive underneath the covers until I heard her final bitterly ironic line of dialogue. I guess you could say, I was the lucky one. For years, her voice was the soundtrack to a thousand nightmares. I have absolutely no idea who directed this PSA—probably just some journeyman who went on to make commercials hawking potato chips and antifungal cream—but some enterprising producer should find this dude and sign him up (although he’s probably retired or dead by now). Just typing in various search terms, trying to find any information at all on this PSA, literally sends shivers up my spine. I’m not exaggerating when I say it remains the most terrifying thirty seconds of video I have ever seen.